


There is Nothing, Then Maybe There is

by luckybear



Series: Dawn of Gold [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, Hurt Loki, Loki is a mess, M/M, Steve POV, Steve carries a lot of emotional baggage, Steve tries to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 12:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17345003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybear/pseuds/luckybear
Summary: Loki is different, Steve notices. He doesn’t think it’s a good thing.Or, Loki is struggling.





	There is Nothing, Then Maybe There is

**Author's Note:**

> Part Two! Enjoy!!

A week has passed now since Loki turned up. He was completely healed, from what Steve could see. Bruises no longer lingered on his throat, and his eyes were back to his normal shade of green. Physically of course, but mentally, Loki still was a wreck.   
   
He flinched at small sounds like a car honking on the streets below, or to the sound of Steve washing the dishes in his small kitchen. He twitched when Steve got too close to him, as if predatory of his space. Steve can imagine why. 

He knows Loki doesn’t sleep. Loki had tried to keep that to himself, but when he told Steve to take his bedroom back, Steve had understood why.   
   
“You should take your bed back,” Loki had said.   
   
Steve frowned, noticing the dark circles accompanying Loki’s undereyes. “Why? You need to rest.”

Loki shook his head. “No, please. I’m fine. Someone should be using the room.”   
   
Steve saw how he wished he didn’t say that, how he saw that Loki felt like he’d given away a weakness for Steve to compromise. But Loki had just smiled a strained smile and insisted Steve take it back.   
   
That was the first sign that Loki wasn’t okay.   
   
“Okay,” Steve agreed. “The couch isn’t that bad.”  
   
But Loki wasn’t really sleeping on the couch either. Steve was sure he wasn’t sleeping anywhere. When he did, he could hear Loki cry out in the late hours of the night. He always wondered if he should go check on him, but could never build up the courage to go.   
   
Now, at two in the afternoon, Steve asked Loki if he was hungry.   
   
“No,” Loki said, sitting on the lounger once more, staring out the window.   
   
“Are you sure? You need to eat. I can make us lunch.”  
   
Loki shifted in his seat. “No,” he bit out.   
   
“Loki-“ he tried.  
   
”I said no,” Loki forced out, through what Steve could hear as clenched teeth.   
   
And there was the second sign.   
   
The captain sighed.   
   
Steve went ahead and made himself a sandwich and went to his bedroom to eat, leaving Loki alone to dwell on his thoughts.   
...

The next sign that Loki wasn’t coping was when Steve suggested they go out and find some clothes other than Steve’s own sweats to wear. Loki didn’t like that idea at all. 

“You want me to go out?” 

Steve twitched, unsure where this was going. “I just thought you’d like some clothes to wear that you liked, not that you had to wear because it was all we had.”

Loki’s breath hitched, as if on the verge of panic. “No,” he said. 

Steve blanched. “I don’t understand. Why not?”

“I can’t go out, no.”

“Loki,” he started, but Loki whirled on him, face feral and Steve took a step back, ready for an attack. But Loki seemed then to come back to himself. “My apologies,” Loki retreated. 

Steve hesitated, but asked: “can I ask why you don’t want to leave the apartment?”

He saw Loki swallow with great effort. “Wouldn’t someone recognize me? I attacked this city, it leaves an impression.” 

Steve understood then. “I really don’t think anyone would, but couldn’t you... use magic or whatever. You could disguise yourself?”

Loki’s face fell, his entire demeanor slinking. “My magic isn’t the same since I woke up.” 

Steve didn’t like that at all. “Do you know why?” Loki shook his head. Steve sighed. “Well, I wouldn’t allow you to leave if I didn’t think it was safe.”

“I can’t leave,” he heard Loki whisper. 

“Loki, talk to me. Tell me why.”

Loki looked down, as if ashamed. Steve waited, and he could see Loki working up the courage to explain. Finally, Loki opened his mouth. “If someone recognizes me, how do you think they’d react? I gather not very well. I-“ he stopped, and Steve waited again. “I don’t want to face it, right now.”

Steve frowned. He thinks he understands. He continued with great caution. “Are you worried someone will demand some sort of justice?”

Loki’s exhale stuttered, and he nodded. Steve’s heart clenched again, and for some reason that he couldn’t quiet get a grip on, he wanted Loki to be better. He wanted Loki to be... happy? 

“Have I not paid enough?” Loki said, voice tired. 

Steve sighed. “I don’t think it’s about that.” Loki didn’t reply, so Steve elaborated. “It’s more about the ones they lost.”

Loki’s gaze slid to match Steve’s. “You still want me to say it.”

“Loki, I don’t know what you mean when you say that.”

Loki’s jaw clenched before speaking. “You want me to be sorry, to apologize, and regret.”

An uncomfortable aura surrounded Steve then. “It’s not really that either, Loki.”

“Then what,” Loki bit. 

Steve took a deep breath. “It’s not that I want any of that Loki,” Steve stopped at the deadpanned look on the god’s face. “Okay, maybe, deep down there is a want for that.”

“Yes,” Loki said.

Steve shook his head. “Loki you don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me, Captain.”

Steve sighed again. “Listen. Really listen.” Truly, he thought Loki would roll his eyes and dismiss the conversation, but he didn’t, so Steve continued. “I don’t really want anything, Loki. I don’t want some drawn out apology. I don’t want you on your knees asking forgiveness. Maybe there are some out there who would, but not me. What difference will it make, in the end? People are still dead.”

Loki flinched. 

Steve went on.

“With everything that’s happened, it almost doesn’t seem to matter if you regret or not, which sounds terrible for me to say. But it’s true. Half of all life is gone. But if you do regret, if you are sorry, an apology won’t fix it. What you do now, Loki, how you help now, what we do now, is what matters. Present is more important than the past.”

Loki inhaled a deep breath, opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again. 

“Does that make sense, Loki?”

“Yes, of course it does,” he said. “But you’re wrong.”

Steve felt anger spike then, for some reason. “I beg your pardon.”

Loki wet his lips. “If I was sorry, if I did regret, it doesn’t matter, that you are right about. Regret doesn’t bring back the dead. But the problem is that I can’t do anything. Nothing we do now matters, Captain. We are doomed. The Titan has succeeded at his goal. 

“There is nothing.”

And with a looming weight pulling down on Steve’s shoulders, Loki didn’t speak again that entire day. 

...

Steve knew Loki wasn’t doing good. Signs were everywhere, yelling out for help, to make something better, to fix this. But Steve didn’t know what to do. Every time he tried to help or get Loki’s mind on something else, either Loki lashed out or just didn’t respond all together. 

Steve wasn’t a therapist, he didn’t know what the hell he was doing, and he thought neither did Loki. Loki wasn’t coping with everything very well either. Steve could see that the broken god knew he was handling things badly.

Steve was sure Loki hadn’t slept well, if at all since he got here. Which would make seven days. That clearly wasn’t healthy, even for a god. When Steve tried to tell him there was medicine out there for sleep aid, Loki insisted he had been sleeping.

But Steve wasn’t stupid. The dark circles, the evident exhaustion in Loki’s posture, how his eyes would start to droop closed, only for him to twitch awake. 

And Steve actually wanted to help. Wanted Loki to feel something other than... despair. He couldn’t explain it. 

Steve tried, but Loki wouldn’t take help. 

Steve came out of his room after a shower to see Loki standing in the kitchen with an empty mug in his hand. He seemed to staring at nothing. 

Steve made his way to the kitchen, calling his name, but Loki didn’t seem to notice. “Hey, Loki,” he tried again. 

Loki hands clenched the mug and Steve was worried he would break it. And it was then Steve noticed the god wasn’t breathing. “Hey,” he said, voice gentle. He lingered his hand near Loki’s shoulder but he didn’t touch him. He wasn’t sure if that was the right move. 

Loki wasn’t here at all. He was somewhere else, and Steve had an idea as to where. When Loki started shaking, he decided to put his hand on his shoulder.

Clearly not the way to go. 

Loki whirled on him, his hand suddenly wrapped around Steve’s throat as he pushed him against the counter behind him. Loki was breathing through clenched teeth, squeezing Steve’s windpipe tight. 

Steve’s fingers clutched at Loki’s hand at his neck, trying to speak through it. No air passed, no voice, and no words. 

Loki opened his mouth slightly, his eyes softening as if realizing what was happening. He seemed to come back to himself, and his grip loosened. 

“Loki,” Steve gasped. “Stop. It’s just m-me.”

Loki furrowed his brows, trying to comprehend what was happening. “Captain?”

Steve nodded as well as he could with Loki’s hand where it was. “You’re safe, you’re fine.”

Loki suddenly let go then, backing away still gasping for air. “I’m,” he tried, but nothing came out. His inhale shook, and Steve didn’t know what to do.

Steve brought his hand up to his neck, taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. Loki had just attacked him. But he knew it wasn’t necessarily on purpose. Either way, that can’t be good. 

“Loki, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Loki shook his head, and Steve heard what he thought was a sob come out from the god’s lips. Steve took a step closer, but Loki recoiled, so he stopped. “Breathe, okay?”

Steve could see Loki trying, and after what felt like an eternity, Loki got his bearings, though his gaze was still frightful, still full of worry and shame. 

Finally, Loki spoke. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to-“ he stopped, unsure what to say. 

Steve sighed. “It’s okay, I’m fine. We’re fine.” Loki nodded, looking down ashamed. Steve kept his spot on the other side of the kitchen. “What were you thinking about,” he asked carefully.

Steve thought Loki wouldn’t answer, but after he watched Loki contemplate whether or not to, he did. “The Titan.”

Again, Steve notices he hasn’t said his name. Not once. He can imagine why. “Were you remembering?”

Loki closed his eyes, face pained. “Yes.”

Steve took a deep breath in, and took a small, cautious step towards Loki. “I’m not mad, it’s okay.”

“I still should not have engaged like I did.”

Steve took another step. “I understand why you did.” Loki just nodded again. “When I came in, you looked to be making tea, or coffee?”

Loki looked up at Steve, with a look that seemed a little embarrassed. “I came to make that tea you made me when I first arrived, but I realized I didn’t know how, and... it went downhill from there.”

Steve nodded in acknowledgment. “I can make it for you.”

Loki blinked, as if shocked Steve would offer. “Okay,” he agreed. “Could you also teach me? I’d like to learn.”

Steve’s eyes widened a bit at that, but he smiled and said, “yes of course,” and Loki did something that Steve hadn’t seen yet. He smiled. Smiled a real smile, one that wasn’t tight with pain and loss and fear, though still small. 

Steve... quiet liked it. 

Steve began to show him how to make the earl grey tea that he had made him when he first showed up. Put some water in the kettle, and wait for it to boil. Grab the tea bag you wish to drink. Pour yourself a glass of water once the kettle begins to whistle. Put the tea bag in, let it sit for a moment, and enjoy.

Steve could tell Loki enjoyed the aspect of learning. He was fully engaged in the conversation and adamant on trying things himself. If anything, it was a good distraction from what had just transpired. 

Loki even poured Steve his own cup as well. Steve graciously accepted, smiling. 

They both took their steaming mugs of tea and went to sit in the living room, listening to the sound of the noise coming from outside. The cars, the people, how it all seemed to keep going when everything felt so... hopeless. 

Steve thought now was maybe the time to try to get Loki to talk. About some things that Steve could tell were eating at him. 

“Loki,” he said, and Loki looked away from the window to him. “Can I ask something?”

Loki braced himself, waiting for the bullet. “I suppose you will anyway.”

Steve breathed a quiet laugh, because he wasn’t wrong. “You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.”

Loki waited, then said, “okay.”

“Are you not sleeping?”

Loki’s lipped formed a tight line, unsure what to say. “I’m sure you already know the answer, why ask me?”

“It might help,” Steve replied. “To talk about it. About a lot of it.”

Loki shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable. “People always say that, and it never made sense to me.”

“Why?”

“Because,” he hesitated. “I suppose I don’t enjoy being flayed raw. My emotions, they’re packed tight. It’s... difficult for me, you could say.”

“Try me,” Steve said, determined.

Loki swallowed, but nodded. “Okay, then no, I have not slept.”

“Can you tell me why?”

Loki laughed then, a small, tired chuckle. “Isn’t that obvious?” Steve just continued to stare, waiting for Loki to confess, if he did. He could see Loki fumbling with his hands, a nervous habit Steve had noticed. Finally, Loki spoke. “I can’t... stop remembering it.”

“Your death,” Steve asked, gentle. 

Loki shook his head. “No, well yes, sort of.”

“You want to try telling me? We can stop, anytime, just say the word.”

Loki looked surprised. “Why are you doing this? Why are you... allowing me this?”

“Allowing?”

“Yes,” Loki exclaimed, but he calmed himself down with a deep breath. 

“Loki, this isn’t about allowing you anything. I am giving this to you. I want you to talk to me, I want you to feel better.”

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Yes, why?”

Steve sighed again, slightly annoyed with how this went. “Because you... you deserve this, Loki.”

Loki laughed. “I don’t.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I gave him the Tesseract like a good dog, Captain. I gave him the opportunity to send his lackeys here to Midgard. I started this whole damn thing in the first place. If I had been strong enough, if I had been better prepared-“

“No one could have been prepared for a thing like this.”

“I could have been.”

“Why? Why could you have been better prepared than anyone else?”

“Because,” Loki started, voice raised, but he stopped, as if realizing he was about to say something he really didn’t want to say. 

“Loki, I can’t say that you haven’t harmed Earth, but this whole thing with Thanos,” Loki flinched. “None of this is your fault. You gave him the Tesseract for your brother. And from what Bruce tells me, you fought him till the very end.”

“I try,” Loki said, tired. “I try, and I can never... I am never able...” 

Steve waited to see if he would finish his sentence, but he didn’t. “You said you keep remembering,” Steve said, bringing this back to the main topic. “What is it you keep remembering?”

Loki was hesitant, but he answered. “It is true, that I can not stop remembering... my death,” he started, with great difficulty. “How I remember my bones crushing underneath his grip, how I struggled and kicked only for it all to be futile. How death loomed over me like a shadow. But there is one moment, one thing about that... event that I can’t get off my chest.”

“What,” Steve asked softly. 

Loki swallowed again. “I keep remembering Thor. I keep remembering how he must have... felt, watching me die. How he must have struggled, how he must have... I don’t know. I can’t get him out of my head. I hear his voice, I hear him telling me it wasn’t my fault, which is a lie. Thor has never been one for lying, that was always my forte. 

“And he’s somewhere out there right now, grieving. And here I am, sitting here drinking tea with Captain America, somehow.

“Captain America, who has for whatever reason I can’t figure out, helped me and been kind to me and tried to make me as comfortable as I can be,” Loki was looking in his eyes then, and Steve felt his heart rate pick up. He didn’t know why. 

“I am just doing what is right,” he said. 

“You’re very modest, Captain.”

The way Loki said ‘captain’ that time reminded of him of time when Peggy would call him ‘captain.’ It was strange. It was good, somehow.

Steve had an idea then, and he stood up from his seat, set his cup of tea on the table, and smiled. “Okay, then let’s go.”

Loki looked up at him as if he were mad. “Pardon?”

“Let’s go find Thor. Let’s find your brother.”

Steve physically saw Loki’s eyes light up then, but they were hesitant. “Seriously?”

Steve was smiling wider and more genuine than he had in months. “Of course I’m serious.”

And Loki smiled a genuine smile too. “You would do this? Really?”

Steve nodded. “I really would.”

Loki’s smile grew, and Steve’s heart felt lighter. “Okay.”

Then it was settled.

Maybe there was hope after all.


End file.
